Musings

All the Absurd & Embarrassing Thoughts Running Through My Mind During Lockdown Life

Apr 15

Girl sitting at the top of Ben Vorlich, Scotland

Guys! Is this happening right now? Is this actually real life?

I’m asking myself this question like 75 times a day right now. I also seem to be bursting into tears at the most random moments as well. Not because I’m anxious or unhappy, though — because I’m overwhelmed by how much good there is in the world, how much generosity and kindness and empathy.

Don’t even get me started on those videos of people in cities like London and NYC clapping for their respective healthcare workers — even the thought of it makes me want to weep right now. I will go from zero to blubbering mess frighteningly fast.

It’s just been such an emotional rollercoaster over the past month, and I know you can all relate big time right now.

In between bouts of feeling all the feels, I’ve also been feeling an urge to write. I wanted to write about my Galapagos trip (which, at this point, seems so dream-like I’m not entirely sure it actually happened). I wanted to write something positive and uplifting. I wanted to write about so many things.

Every time I attempted to write, though, I started thinking: what’s the point? Should I be posting on this blog when so many people are suffering and living in fear and losing their jobs?

It all seemed so trivial, so pointless.

But even in this alternate reality we’re now living in, it’s okay to keep doing things we did before everything flipped-turned upside down, right?

One thing that’s keeping me tethered to some semblance of a reality I recognize is writing about random shit on this blog — something I’ve been doing (albeit extremely irregularly) for the past 6.5 years. (But for the love of God, please do not go back in the archives and read posts from that time period — they are hella awful.)

I will write about something a tad more meaningful soon, but right now, I really want to get all the outlandish and irrational thoughts out of my head because they’re just. so. ridiculous.

I’ve actually laughed out loud at myself several times because that’s apparently what I do now: talk to myself and giggle maniacally at things that probably aren’t that funny.

Surely that’s a sign I’ve already lost my mind, no? I have no concept of what is rational or sane at this point.

I hope these thoughts make you chuckle or cause you to nod in agreement. At the very least, I hope it takes your mind off the impending apocalypse, if only for a short while.

Here are all the things I’m thinking at any given moment on an average day during the shit show that is life right now.

7:02 AM – I’m feeling pretty good today, actually. Yeah, really positive. So much better than yesterday.

7:49 AM – WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE AREN’T WE?! WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT HOW WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE?!?!

8:24 AM – I got this. I haven’t checked the news in, like, 20 minutes. This is good. This is progress.

9:07 AM – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, how did I end up scrolling through Twitter again? Did I blackout for a second? I genuinely don’t even remember picking up my phone.

10:32 AM – Did I put deodorant on today? I cannot, for the life of me, remember if I put deodorant on this morning.

11:11 AM – Hold up: fires, locusts, AND a plague? What if my mom was right about the bible prophesying the end of the world after all? Jesus Christ. ER, I MEAN, gosh darn it!

12:24 PM – OoOoHhHh, so shit hits the fan and Jeff Bezos just hops in his private jet and fucks off to New Zealand, eh? I see how it is, Mr Bezos. See if I ever order anything from Amazon again.

12:52 PM – Confirm Amazon order? Yes, please, thankyouverymuch.

1:14 PM – Grocery stores are implementing dedicated times for the elderly to do their shopping? Oh my god, that’s so wonderful! That makes me so happy. Am I crying right now? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

2:57 PM – So let me get this straight: there are only 12 ventilators per 100,000 people in Ontario? Well that’s just fan-bloody-tastic, isn’t it? DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM SARS?

3:38 PM – Why can’t I stop crying whenever I read anything that’s remotely positive?! Is this a symptom of coronavirus? *Googles “symptoms of coronavirus” for the 73rd time*

4:17 PM – My boss just sent me a message on Slack. This is it. I’m being laid off. I KNEW IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE— oh, nevermind, we’re good! She just sent a GIF! A very funny GIF!

5:22 PM – The meme about 2020 being managed by the same organizers as Fyre Fest is so accurate.

6:47 PM – I should get outside and go for a walk. Yes, now is the perfect time to go for a walk. Or — OR, I could mindlessly scarf down an obscene amount of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies while I scroll through Twitter for several hours. I think that definitely sounds like the best decision at this time.

7:13 PM – Who died and made Bill Gates ruler of the free world? The man can’t even fix a Microsoft virus!

8:00 PM – What he said.

How are YOU doing, though? How is your lockdown life going? Have you watched Tiger King? Can you tell I’ve been living alone for a few weeks? 

2 Comments

  • Reply Ashley Apr 19 at 5:54 pm

    Loved this hon! You write so well! Also I am the same! Definitely crying randomly a lot too! And so funny to hear all the things your thinking… I can imagine your wee face going through the motions! Big love keep going xxxx

    • Reply ashleywanders Apr 19 at 9:22 pm

      Haha aww thanks so much, Ash! 🙂 Miss your face! xoxox

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