Edinburgh Expat Life Musings Scotland

On Leaving Edinburgh and Life Lately

Jul 10

My last week in Edinburgh was pretty surreal. I had grand plans – I was determined to make the most of every last second in the city. In reality, I ended up spending most of the time curled up on the couch, watching TV in my pyjamas. Whenever I did leave the house, I just couldn’t enjoy myself. I felt so obligated to take everything in, to try and memorize every tiny detail of the city as if I’d never see it again.

When it came time to leave on that final day, I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry at the airport, or on the plane. I felt sick at the thought of leaving – physically sick to my stomach – but I couldn’t muster a tear. Maybe it was because I cried so much in the weeks and months leading up to my departure. Maybe my travels through Istanbul, the Balkans, and Italy helped to clear my head. Maybe I had finally come to terms with the fact that I was leaving for good.

Regardless, saying goodbye to Edinburgh wasn’t easy. I’ve left so many places before I felt ready. It’s an art that frequent travellers know all too well, the reluctant goodbye. But this goodbye was different. Edinburgh is more than just a city I love – it means more to me than any other place I’ve visited. It was my home for two years. It was a city that changed me for the better, a place that granted me the freedom to grow into the person I didn’t know I was longing to become. It was a place that felt more transformative than any other.

When I moved to Edinburgh, I didn’t really experience a transitional period. I don’t remember having to adjust – it just felt like home from the get-go. It felt natural and effortless.

And yet the transition back to my hometown – the place where I was born and raised, and where I’ve lived for nearly 30 years – has been really tough. How does that even happen?

Everything here is comfortable and familiar, yet strangely foreign at the same time. This city is exactly the same, but I’m so utterly different. I feel like a fish out of water, like a complete stranger in a place that I know like the back of my hand.

Coming back hasn’t only been reverse culture shock and panic attacks – there have been so many moments of joy too. I’m loving the sunshine and humidity, and catching up with my nearest and dearest. But I still feel like I don’t really belong here; the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach serves as a constant reminder.

It’s a bizarre feeling, to feel like you don’t belong in the one place that’s supposed to feel like home.

I guess that’s the risk you take when you live abroad and when you travel: you always return a different person.

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On Leaving Edinburgh After Two Years - Ashley Wanders: The downside to living abroad? Having to leave a place you love.

12 Comments

  • Reply Hayley Simpson Jul 10 at 5:25 am

    Oh, I get it! I think it was easier for me last time to return home and move onto Melbourne, a new place within Australia. It was a new adventure, within the comforts of the country I grew up in. That move changed everything, because I now know it’s Melbourne I want to return to next year. I’m certain another grand adventure is around the corner for you 😉

    • Reply ashleywanders Jul 17 at 12:22 am

      Thanks, Hayley 🙂 I’m glad to hear you can relate! I think moving to a new city here would definitely help me as well. And hopefully that would make me feel more at home here again.

  • Reply Joyce Jul 10 at 9:09 am

    I think I’ve said it before, the parallels we share are quite similar. I am essentially you two years ago.

    I, literally, just uprooted my life in Toronto, to move across the pond, to Edinburgh of all places. To me, though my time here hasn’t been long, Edinburgh already feels like home. If anything, I feel comfortable here.

    I feel for you. To have to leave behind a life, frinds, the place you called home for the past 2 years, cannot be easy. And though I only recently moved here myself, in my head, a timer has already begun to countdown, because I know though this may only be the start of my adventures, it has a time limit that’s constantly winding down.

    Give me a shout at my email below. I would love to correspond with you a bit more, only if you’re keen though.

    Your refound reader,
    J.

    • Reply ashleywanders Jul 16 at 11:58 pm

      Thanks for your kind words, Joyce! I’m glad to hear you’re settling into Edinburgh nicely, and that it’s already feeling like home. I know thinking about the time constraint is stressful, but try not to let it take away from your time in Edinburgh! I just sent you an email.

    • Reply Madeleine Jul 29 at 3:09 pm

      Ashley, I love the blog and I’m sorry you are going through the pains of leaving a place you love. I did the same four years ago when I left the UK and am in the process of doing th same as Joyce, leaving life in smoggy Toronto to move to Edinburgn two years.

      • Reply ashleywanders Jul 29 at 4:18 pm

        Thank you, Madeleine 🙂 I’m in the process of doing the opposite – trying to move to Toronto. I hope it’s not too smoggy these days haha. So exciting that you’re heading to Edinburgh – best of luck with your move!

  • Reply LC Jul 13 at 5:21 am

    I was wondering how you were doing with settling in back home the other day. Am glad to hear there is some joy in the familiar. I guess at the very least Edinburgh will always be special to you – there will always be that case of unfinished business between you and the city. Funnily enough, I feel very similarly about Melbourne to how you feel about Edinburgh!

    • Reply ashleywanders Jul 17 at 12:39 am

      Nice to know you can relate, LC! And you’re right – I’ll always have unfinished business there. Hopefully, in time it’ll start to feel comforting knowing I have a place like Edinburgh as my ‘second home.’

  • Reply Marni Jul 21 at 5:57 pm

    It’s so much more difficult to leave a place when leaving isn’t your choice. It’s hard enough on a two week, month-long, or year long trip to say goodbye, but when it’s a full uproot, it can leave you reeling. It’s definitely an adjustment, and I’m sorry it’s not as easy as you hoped for. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the good stays good and the bad gets better.

    • Reply ashleywanders Jul 24 at 3:30 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, Marni! I really appreciate it.

  • Reply Velysia Zhang Jul 25 at 6:35 am

    It must be really hard to leave a place that’s very meaningful to you especially when you’ve made a lot of good friends but hey! maybe you’ll find the new places more comfortable and fun, who knows 🙂

    • Reply ashleywanders Jul 26 at 2:19 pm

      Very true, Velysia! Hopefully that will be the case 🙂

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